I'm sorry for my pms just now and I know you were damn pissed.

Now I'm at home and you're out there somewhere in Changi so I gave the possibilities a thought.

What might hve happened if you got really mad and scolded me right there and then?

Two scenarios.


SCENARIO 1

Ben: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? Can you please stop this attitude thing?

Me: I'm just upset you made such a comment about my socks, I feel so cheap and all, as if I can't afford something so basic.

Ben: I was joking what. Can you please stop taking everything I say so seriously?

Me: Okay, sorry. *Fakes a smile*

Ben: *Thinks I was really smiling from the bottom of my heart and hugs me*

Me: *Smiles as an influx of gleeful emotions floods my soul*

HAPPY ENDING.



SCENARIO 2

Ben: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? Can you please stop this attitude thing?

Me: Seriously. Whatever. *Throws him a fucking dirty look, grab my bag, try to hold back the tears and storm off*

Ben: *Gives stunned face cause his reflexes are not fast enough to react and hence, failed to grab onto my hand as I left*

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA LOVE YOU.

It's 4.25am.
I'm tired of racking my brains...
I'm not blaming you, just pissed.

If we're gonna go out on a date not doing smth you like, then fuck it.
No way I'm gonna go.

I want you to hve every minute spent enjoyable, to be hving fun.
And quit telling me 'it's fine' or smth.
Moments ago you said you hoped for an activity and now you say you don't mind?
Whut? Lol.

To be honest, I feel like such a failure I don't wna go out anymore.

I feel like weeping now.
Because my fucked up brain is not generating any fucking ideas.

I'm sorry I dunno how to play pool.
I'm sorry I hate bowling.
I'm sorry I don't wna swim.
I'm sorry I hate arcades.

And I feel sorry for you cause you hve a girlfriend like me.
I can't be sorry enough.


Time check.
4.51am.

Don't even feel like sleeping anymore.

I AM VERY SAD.

MY BOYFRIEND CALLED ME TO SIT IN THE CAR BOOT :(

NOW HE KENA FLU.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA LOVE YOU.

No, I'll never believe a guy will resist women like Jamie Yeo and Magic Babe Ning even when he has a girlfriend.
Women like them only inflict an indescribable damage on your girlfriend's self esteem.

I don't deny at times I wish I had their perfect figures and pretty faces, all for you.

Wtf.
Insomnia due to the lack of one's presence is not nice at all.
Of course I don't blame you honey but WHERE ARE YOU.

Nvm I'll go MIA soon too and let you experience what I'm feeling right naowzzz, if I'm that important to you like you are to me too, that is.

You're spending the night at your friend's place, so you're not online.
I'm glad you're doing something you enjoy, talking with one whom you hve common topics with.

I'm just feeling really weird, like something's missing.

We've been talking every night for a couple of weeks now, and it just feels wrong not to tonight.

This, is dependency. And it is not good.
Not good at all.

I don't wna be reliant.
Such a mistake to be.

This requires some work to fix.

You're eating so I have time to rant a bit over here.


No, we haven't been together for very long, but yes, this is one of the happiest times I've had in my life. I won't say it's the happiest, that would be so hypocritical, but every single minute spent with you is worthwhile.

I know my mood swings really quickly from one octave to another, and I don't ask for you to tolerate that. Likewise, I'll tolerate your fucked-up ego (HAHAHA) and will only require you to say "Please" and "Thank you" every single time.

I'm sorry for my lack of confidence and pessimism in almost everything. Please understand I've experienced the hopelessness of being disappointed and it's definitely not a pleasant feeling. Give me some time. Up to now, I still ponder over ambiguous questions like how long will we last and all that when I clearly know I won't be able to have an answer right now. We'll go on and see, go on towards the misted future. And I don't like to embark on journeys that I can't see the road ahead. But isn't all relationships like that? Yes. That's why I'm entrusting my everything to you.

Yeah, you are very right.
To love someone is to give him or her the power to hurt you in every way, and trusting them not to do that.

I won't repeat all those pessimism I told you during our conversations. It's too depressing. They're all facts, yes. But I won't give you the chance to say I'm not able to love at all anymore. I know what I'm doing.

Know that all these fears I have, they've nothing to do with you. It's all in me. They bred and plagued my mind over time, it's not easy to eradicate such a stain.


Anyway, now as I think back... I look at who I had been with and I was like, "WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING!?"

Yeah. You are that awesome. Always keep that in mind.

And now the latest scandal is all over the island.

I saw the thumbnail for this piece of news somewhere and ignored it because I thought it was just some random secondary school with students fooling around like they always do.

BUT WHAT THE FUCK. THIS RANDOMNESS HITS OUR ALMA MATER. There we have G and his girlfriend featured in the video. Okay honestly I don’t really like the guy because I’ve heard too many unkind comments about him and have also seen for myself what kind of person he is. Lovely 4E2ians, do you remember that he used to walk past our class when his class was somewhere at the other block just to see some girl from our side? Everyone can stand witness. Some failed coquet in school.

But actually, if it’s for plain fun and laughter (which it is to start off with, I suppose), I guess it’s not something worth all the big fuss about. The reason why this got all blown up is simply because they exchanged their ‘kiss of love’ while clad in the school uniform and the whole process took place in the school grounds. Otherwise, it’d be just some random teenagers having fun.

True, to behave intimately (actually it was just a peck on the cheek please) while still donned in school uniforms is deemed inappropriate, but I guess G never expected his confession of love to get all web savvy and became the next hit on the news. He never intended it to go public. You think he wants to sit in Razak’s office all day (which is exactly what he’s doing now LOL), face the glares of the girl’s parents and constantly endure the wide-eyed stares and gossips from people? I don’t think so. This is not attention for a good cause. This is utmost embarrassment.

And as for the girl… No comments. I just hope she survives the ordeal with her parents.

I was on STOMP reading all the comments and I saw this girl with the nickname of ‘tiongximsister’ bringing up stuff like the school’s reputation and all that. Nah I’m just curious, how an ah lian like that is able to do such in-depth thinking and analysis. I thought she would be spending time with her beloved tiongxim4ever sisters smoking at the void decks or something. But true, her comments make sense. I am surprised.

All in all, I just think they’re seriously dumb to kiss in school uniform. After all, in a country like Singapore, to go beyond the minimum of 10cm from the face of another gender, what’s more in school uniform, it’s bound to arouse gossip.

And for those who think I’m trying to fuel the fire by posting the links on my MSN, I hope after reading this post you can understand whose side I’m on. Whatever. In the first place, for everything you did, you should be ready to shoulder the responsibility. This is retarded, why am I even arguing. I hate it when people tell me what to do and what’s right and wrong. Seriously, I can think and pass judgements for myself. If you think I have an attitude problem then I’m sorry. That’s just too bad. Omgwtf this is just like another chinxiang case. Ahh. Just fuck it.

He is so ahbeng with his friends so I shall be more ahlian too HAHAHAHAHAHA.
I shall be a friendly ahlian.
Can speak good inggeris de ahlianz.
iiex lurrbxx euus w0rxxz``
WTFCCB DAMN DISGUSTING HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Okay your friends are awesome k that's all I wna say and I wna know everything they told you about me (if any).

Shouldn't hve been so impromptu go and ask Mel out I'm sorry k I WAS JUST A FRIENDLY BITCH CANNOT IZZIT HUH.

Imma weirdo.

Friendly ahlian = Fucking weirdo. I is veli sad :(

Ok no I am not ahlian.

WOAH THIS POST SIBEH RANDOM LOLOL I CAN'T GO TO BED CAUSE MY MIND IS FULL OF YOU ASSHOLE AND YOU ARE NOT AT HOME :(





Okay enough of bullshit.





So I've further confirmed that relationships with your bf/gf and those with your parents are totally different things...

Firstly, you can say you love your parents. I can say so too. I love my mom.
But when I think of it, what is it about her that I really love about?
Her character? Fuck no.
Her temper? NB NO LA.
Her self-claimed open-mindedness? Sometimes but no.

Parents. We love them cause we grew up with them by our side. In any circumstances, ANY, irregardless of whatever other external factors, we'd eventually grow feelings for them and hence, this is the family bond we call it. Maybe this is the unconditional love people hve been going on about for ages and ages. But it also proved that in some relationships, we might not love the person because of who he or she is, but merely because we were made that way. We were born to love them. They brought us up, gave us shelter, and perhaps yes, that parental love for the children does exist. But vice versa? I'm not so sure anymore. Yes, I do love my mom very, very much. Not for her sporadic horrible temper or occasional generosity with me, but because she is my mother. It's that simple. I will weep during her funeral, because I love her. I curse and cry over her outbursts of menopausal syndromes on me, but eventually, yes I still love her dearly. I just wonder why.

I never liked feeling so emotionally vulnerable in a relationship, which is perhaps why I've been contemplating on going into a bgr for a long, long time until he showed up and there, I just fell in love. Too late to salvage anything. But this mother-daughter relationship is suffocating me... I just hate it when every single thing she says, I'd take them so seriously because they matter so much to me.
No, I don't wna feel this way.
I don't want her words to weigh a ton when the insults of others weigh nothing to me.
I dislike being so weak.
And as I try to detach myself from her, I fail time and again, because she's my mom.
There'll never be a way I can really be free from this bond, not that I want to but I just want things to loosen up a bit.
It's taking a toll on me.


And there he is.
No, I'm not your 17-year-old immature girl going all head over heels about a guy at this tender age and talking about love like I really understand what it is.
I might not fully, but that doesn't mean I don't at all.
To be honest, I'm really afraid.
There hve been too many failures, too many setbacks, too many rejections.
And this...
Even till now, I still find it too good to be true.
I am really happy being with you, and I'm sure I want this to last.
But wanting it to last doesn't mean it WILL last.
I'll do my best.
But at the same time I find it so hard to really open up to you,
because once I do that, I'll be reliant on you.
I'm afraid of that.
It's not your problem, it's mine.
Too many times reliance proved a wrong choice.
I love you, and I want you to be the one I can rely on too.
Well, maybe as things get more serious, we'll be better as one.
I really do hope we get more serious.
And be serious for a long, long time.

Tuesday is Irony Day,
because I hve aplenty of reasons to feel both happy and unhappy.

Alright, so I ought to be happy because:

1. My eBook arrived and it's awesome.
2. I bought heels.
3. I got my dresses.
4. I spent some time with him and it really made my day.


And I'm unhappy because:
1. Though I bought heels, I didn't get my wedges and that's just sad.
2. I haven't settled my CNY clothings.
3. I cannot stop shopping online omg you hve no idea how fucking terrible I'm feeling now THIS IS HORRIBLE I HVE TO STOP BUT I CAN'T AND THIS SUCKS BALLS.
4. I just realised I look damn ugly in the clothes and heels cause I'm fucking fat.
5. I need a job.



Okay. I will stop eating until CNY. And work out. Okay please make this work. I cannot continue lazing around anymore. This is getting nowhere oh please please please. Damn.