This is not the first time I'm talking about this and I guess it's starting to bore you out.
Sometimes I think way too much, so much that it scares me too. But at least it's all logical thinking, to me at least.
I used to think that a person only gets attracted to another due to his/her pretty looks or luscious figure. Why would you wna initiate a conversation with someone who looks like Susan Boyle junior (no doubt her vocals kick asses)? I always thought humans are superficial... And I was proven wrong. There are people who like you for who you are, and they look beyond that face of yours.
I'm just really happy all these is happening to me. So happy that I fear it's merely a dream. Or perhaps not a dream, but something short-lived. Because it's just too good to be true. Maybe I'd need some assurance...
But then again, I still feel the anxiety piling on me. Hesitations, considerations, fear, embarrassment. This is perhaps one of the most talked about topic within girls of this generation, and yeah, I'm one of them, sadly. I do think I am fat. I may not be morbidly fat, as he said. But I'm like, stuck in the middle of everything... I go online shopping, and all the models just look so good with the clothes on because their size basically fit every apparel. But not for me. I hve to hesitate, see if they hve my size, and that sucks. Because everytime this happens I feel so damn disgusted with myself. My friends all told me I am not fat, I don't know if it's a mere comfort or did they really mean it. Sometimes when I wear certain clothes, yes I do feel fine. But no, I don't want to look fine in just certain clothes, I want to look good in every single piece of clothing. I know my weight is perfect for my height, and that my weight-for-height category actually falls slightly to the underweight side (the fucking machine was lying I swear), still it doesn't change how flawed my outlooks are. Yes, you may say I'm superficial, but isn't everyone to a certain extent? I hate going about my low self esteem again, and I know it looks like I'm using my lack of confidence to gain sympathy and comforting words from friends who just wna make me feel better. That is not the case. You think I want to feel this way too? No. It's not a pleasant feeling, and I blame myself for it. I just can't seem to eradicate this negative mindset that's etched in my brain since like, forever. And no, I'm not your typical teenage girl who's anorexic or bulimic, it's unhealthy, and I know that. As if I've never tried being one, but it just didn't work out. We all need food, and I love food. I'm trying to eat as little as I can, a meal per day, and although the hunger is unbearable but it somehow provides some sort of comfort to my faltering self esteem.
Feeling fat and being fat, they're two very different things. To be fat, everyone can see it, because it's living, walking evidence. But to feel fat... It's just not a healthy thing, but yet so many of us feel this way. Despite friends telling us time and again till they're sick of it, about how perfectly fine our figure is , it just doesn't go into your head, because this is a matter of our own mind. We don't blame anyone; we only blame ourselves. Blame ourselves for not being able to resist the temptations of late night supper, only to force it out moments after, and all those uncontrolled eating sprees. To feel fat is a way to punish ourselves for being so weak against the appeal of food, and a low self esteem is just one part of this whole long, tormenting process. I go to Orchard Road, I look at the pretty, skinny girls with slim legs and slim arms and and slim faces and flat tummies, and I would think that they're all mocking me about how fat I look. Crazy imagination, but I can't help it.
I'm afraid I would be a disappointment. Not something someone had initially expected, and then everything would just come to an end. Am I good enough? That I don't know. I just hope I look presentable enough, and can still talk like I do behind the screen without being overwhelmed by self consciousness, and just be me. With him, I just wna set aside all my anxiety and feel free from all these pestering urges to be thin. And to actually feel fine with my own figure... for the first time.
Feeling fat just sucks balls.
